"The help I'm giving to my loved one...is it actually helping?"
You’ve probably asked yourself this more than once. You want to help but question the best way. From a recent conversation with Country Road Recovery’s Clinical Director, Derek Talkington on the family aspect of addiction he explained, “what feels like help isn’t always helpful.” In fact, some of the ways families try to support their loved one can actually make the situation worse.
So, let’s break down the expectations families often have about addiction and treatment—and the reality they need to prepare for.
Expectation: If I Support Them Enough, They’ll Get Sober
Reality: You cannot control or cure your loved one’s addiction.
The difficult reality about addiction is that no one person can cure another person’s substance abuse. A lot of families believe that if they just give enough love, financial help, or emotional encouragement, then their loved one will decide to get sober. It doesn’t work that way.
“You cannot guilt them into sobriety. Trust me, we have tried all the things - they do not work” Talkington said. Addiction is a complex disease and no amount of tough love from family and friends is going to force someone into recovery. It’s got to be a decision they make for themselves.
What you can do though, is set boundaries, enforce those boundaries, and create an environment where recovery is possible.
Expectation: Keeping Them Safe at Home Is Better Than Letting Them Hit Rock Bottom
Reality: Sometimes, letting go is the most loving thing you can do.
When we talk with families about no longer protecting their loved one from the consequences of their actions they usually assume the worst will happen. The fear of “what if?”—What if they overdose? What if they freeze to death outside? What if they get hurt? But what if that’s what they need to decide to get sober.
“The more you keep bailing them out of jail, the more you keep giving them a bed to sleep at night when it’s cold, the longer you're extending their addiction. You're giving them that soft place to land.”
This doesn’t mean abandoning them—it means making choices that truly support recovery rather than prolong addiction.
Expectation: Treatment Will “Fix” Them
Reality: Recovery is a lifelong process—and families need healing too.
A lot of people believe residential addiction treatment is a cure-all. Treatment is just the beginning. Recovery requires ongoing effort, support, and a commitment to change from both the person in addiction and their family members.
From Derek Talkington, “The number one piece of advice for families? Work on becoming the healthiest, emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthiest person you can be while your loved one is in treatment. Because that’s the only thing you truly have control over.”
Expectation: Setting Boundaries Means Cutting Them Off
Reality: Healthy boundaries are about protecting your peace, not punishing your loved one.
Families often struggle with boundaries, fearing that setting limits means they’re being cruel or giving up. But boundaries aren’t about control—they’re about self-care.
“I can’t set a boundary that says, ‘You have to stop using drugs.’ That’s not something I have control over. But I can say, ‘I’m not going to give you money anymore,’ or ‘You cannot use drugs in my home.’ Boundaries should focus on what you will do, not what they must do.”
A boundary isn’t a punishment—it’s a way to create a healthier dynamic for everyone involved.
Expectation: Families Can Keep Everything the Same and Still Expect Different Results
Reality: Addiction is a family disease, and real change requires everyone to do the work.
Think of a family system as a baby mobile. Each family member is a separate, unique piece, but they are all connected. When one person moves—especially in addiction—it shakes the entire system.
This means that when a loved one enters treatment, the rest of the family must also adjust. That could mean:
- Seeking therapy or attending support groups like Al-Anon
- Learning healthier communication skills
- Examining personal behaviors, including alcohol or drug use within the home
- Letting go of the belief that you can “fix” your loved one
The mobile analogy reminds us that balance is possible, but it requires intentional change from everyone involved.
Where Do You Draw the Line?
The hardest part of loving someone with addiction is figuring out where to draw the line between supporting and enabling. That line isn’t always clear—it changes as both the person in addiction and their family members grow.
“Where you draw the line today might be different than where you draw it in six months. But the important thing is that you communicate your boundaries and stick to them.”
Addiction thrives in secrecy and dysfunction, but recovery happens in honesty and change.
Are you ready to take the first step? Reach out to Country Road Recovery today and start the journey toward real recovery—for your loved one and for yourself.